I had sensed Nathaniel liked me for quite some time. Many people did, and some even thought we were dating. We knew it was inappropriate how close we were for only being friends. He asked me to dinner to discuss things. I knew he was going to tell me he liked me, which meant i wouldn't be able to ignore it any longer. At first, we went to Long Beach Cafe, but when i realized it was more like a Denny's, i wanted out of there. I wanted the atmosphere as casual as possible, because he was paying. I didn't want anything more to feel like a date. We were driving around downtown because there are a lot of coffee shops and i was thinking a place like Starbucks, but not, would be suit our needs best. We ended up at a McDonald's. I don't remember the conversation too well, except that when he told me he has feelings for me, i gave a short answer, something like, "yeah i know but i don't feel the same way." I immediately wished i could take it back and all the time spent together because of the pain i saw in his eyes. I excused myself to the bathroom.
I actually remember very little from then until July aside from a lot of pain and confusion. We had tried to set limits to how much we talk and see each other. He was allowed to help me on my car, for example, because he was the only person i could think to turn to for that.
We had advice from different counselors at church to avoid contact and i was wrestling internally. If i didn't like him, then why did i miss him so much? At first i thought it was just because he was a friend, and no one likes to lose a friend, so i just needed more friends. I got more friends but it was never the same. Yeah, they are awesome people, but something was missing, something i only got from talking to him. Once i let myself consider that i like him, things got worse.
[He also says...]
I had almost completely gotten her out of my mind. I was back to the way I used to be. It was a plainer plane of existence. I wasn't distracted anymore by thinking about her all the time, but on the other hand, I wasn't inspired by the thought of her. But then, she comes back to me and is trying to talk to me. She tells me that she is not feeling good about the way things went. I try to help and cheer her up, but I was able to keep it all platonic.
However, that all changed when I was working on her car one evening. There was an awkward silence between us that night. Out of it shoots, "I just want you to know that it is not that I do not like you." mumbles BecKy. "...Um..." I was quite surprised, but I had my suspicions, "That's a double negative. Do you mean for them to cancel each other out?" "That's usually the way it works." "Oh, okay."
Over the next week, all the feelings rush back, and more so this time, because they were mutual. I was on top of the world. I went on a camping trip to the desert that weekend, and the whole time I was just thinking about her and praying about what we should do, praying that we glorify God through this, praying that His will be done. I even took a stroll in the middle of the night, into the deep darkness of the desert, lied down on a boulder and stared at the thousands upon thousands of stars for hours while I thought and prayed.
When I got back I was welcomed by an instant message conversation with her where she told me that she had gotten counsel and that we shouldn't see each other. I thought she was saying that we shouldn't ever pursue a relationship, and this hurt the most. I just wanted to go back to how I was before I fixed her car.
I go back to work on the car as I go deep into thought while the awkward silence thickens. Later on, as I'm cleaning up, "I think that you should know that from the way I've been acting and feeling lately, someone would think that I like you." blurts BecKy. "So what do you want me to do with that knowledge?" I inquire. "Oh, I just wanted to let you know that." says BecKy. "...and do nothing?" I ask. "yea" "uh... okay well, I'll be praying and pondering what we should do, and I'll continue to be praying for you." I say as I make my exit.
It was more painful because now it was mutual but we were being advised that since he was still in school, it's best to keep our distance. However, he invited me to a bonfire with some of his friends, and from that point on we slowly started talking more again after never seeing each other. We were back in the same rut. We went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles to discuss our options. After a couple meetings we had decided to go out, sitting at a Chipotle after meeting with the church counselor. It was August 28th, 2007, and a glorious day it was indeed.
We had a grand time from that point on. It was like the good ol' days, but better. We both had entered into the relationship with the understanding that we were pursuing marriage, which wasn't something that could happen until he graduated several years later. Then, after working as a Community Service Officer for the UCIPD, he prayed about the exploring a career in law enforcement. His parents were pulling from retirement to pay for his tuition, so he decided to withdraw from UCI. That moved the timeline of marriage up considerably. I was thinking it could be as early as late 2009. He couldn't become an officer until he was 21, which meant he could apply when he was 20.5. Problem was, that was still a year away. He applied with the OC Sherrif's Department, which hires at 18. He had the background interview the same day we had a premarital counseling appointment with our pastor. It was perfect timing because he was confident he would get the position they offered him at his panel interview (special officer) but didn't. However, our pastor told us a couple could live on each making $10/hr. "You don't start out in a house. I came from poverty; Annie came from wealth. I taught her how to eat chicken backs, $0.10/pound." We were greatly encouraged. I was restless, though, being in a weird position of knowing we could get married and get by whenever we wanted, and yet, no ring on my finger. It was just that night he told me he loved me. This was Tuesday, March 18th, 2008. Click on to readthe proposal.